I had a very strange experience this past weekend at my parents’ house while looking at old baby photos of myself. I couldn’t believe how I looked as an infant, not more than 2 or 3 months, wide-eyed and taking in the world. I’ve become very emotional since then about what it means to be a baby and what it means to grow up, before the world gets to you. It made me very sad.

The question “What went wrong?” keeps creeping into my mind.

I feel the world got to me around middle school. Much of this has to do with stuttering, and the rest is probably general growing pains. Before that time I looked engaged and happy with life, without fear or worry or judgement from anybody else, and with limitless potential about what I could be or do. There are too many things I did not accomplish that I cannot go back and change.

I am sure when Liam is born I will envision how he will grow up and I will try to teach him to be a man, but there will be times I cannot make his decisions for him or protect him from the world. This is something I just don’t know how to deal with.

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